You didn't stick up for me, either.

Well...now I know.

This is my haven. Where I will dispose of my negative crap. Why? I think artistic souls may be more likely to be tolerant, open and accepting of my naked thoughts and ramblings, whether straightforward and unadorned or as the miniscule seed fed by hyperbole and metaphor and miracle-gro to emerge greater than the sum of it's original parts. This does not represent the whole of me. Here I will indulge in navel-gazing and revel in my own brand of darkness. For lighter fare, please sample my myspace for facebook pages.

Random thoughts as of late:

Wondering what is more lamentable, the person I am becoming or the person I am not becoming.

Seriously questioning my sanity or what fragile, tenuous grasp I have on what's left of it.

Knowing something has to change and it's gonna be big.

Feeling more alone than I ever have.

Wishing I had a local friend.

Wishing I had a local musical buddy.

Wishing I hadn't gotten interrupted for the thousanth time while trying to post this little entry just to hear "Can you...? Why didn't you..." "shouldn't you be..." and "You shouldn't have..." from yet another person yet another time.

It's so easy to point out flaws.

Yet another reason I'm losing faith in...

I grow nostalgic for a time I don't even have a conscious memory of, before my eyes ever opened...I knew nothing but darkness and warmth and soft muffled sounds...

My earliest memories are baby memories...vague flashes of complete physical and emotional comfort...or lack of discomfort. All of my needs were met. My clothes clean and soft, my bottle in my mouth, not hot and nor cold. Completely secure in the unconditional love of my loved ones and fully believing it would be so forever.

Not yet having known pain, disappointment, betrayal, taking chances, getting burned, hard lessons, death, cynicism, fear, withdrawl, self-preservation...

But I don't really want to be blind. It's not the seeing that's bad. The only fate worse would be not seeing it. What WOULD be nice is if there were a little less ugliness to see in the first place.

A lot of things going on in and around my life that have got me thinking...wondering...pondering...but leave me no closer to any answers...just more questions or more certain of my uncertainty...or maybe...resignation...surrender of my illusions...that we actually have enough ability to control all our outcomes...that wishing/trying enough will make it so.... Maybe therein lies unhappiness. In the mistaken idea that there is a "happily ever after" like in movies and fairy tales. Maybe sometimes all the pieces won't fit. Maybe accepting THAT is the key to happiness...or at least freedom from despair. Imagine that...

Hmmnn

I think hope is a funny thing. For example...I think that relationships, whether friendly or romantic or family or even work-related...start out with lots of hope.

Hope.

As in the expectation of good things...even great things. (That's my definition, not Websters)

Then love grows, maybe even thrives. One by one the threads form that strengthen that bond...with each earnest talk, each act of giving, each trauma shared, you have more threads...and a stronger unit. At some point, someone, no matter who it is, will disappoint, there goes a thread, no big deal...still strong...other threads are forming every day. Then another....and another. Is love still there? Of course...is hope still there? Sure...just a little less than before. Sometimes...the threads start to break faster than they are being created. Sometimes there are things so big that so many threads break at once that the connection holding these two once individual entities together is so fragile, that the slightest breeze in the wrong direction (or the conscious decision by one or both parties to end the suffering) can tear the few remaining threads and restore them to that plight once again. Still...we have this...survival instinct, don't we?

And what of "Love"? That is why, I think...we hold on as long as we do...in a bad living situation, at an unhealthy job, in a doomed relationship. People don't all of a sudden get struck by lightning and realize: "I HATE my job!" or "I'm not in love with him/her!" or "I can't take it anymore!". The loss of hope is gradual. Sometimes in small. almost indiscernible increments...and sometimes in bigger ones that we have to scrape and crawl and push through just to recover from the them with some sort of connection - however tenuous, still intact. Sometimes...you can delay the ineveitable indefinitely. You know how there are some spiritual gurus who can be buried alive with no food, water, light, etc and they survive way longer than any of us would...because they have this crazy ability to slow their heart rate and metabolism, etc? It's like they go into hibernation. I think some people have the ability to do this emotionally. Keeping enough of their self and their awareness running to accomplish everday tasks...but be otherwise numb in order to not have to accept the truth...to not have to feel the pain that's built up and/or keeps coming...to not have to see the end...or be the "Ender" and plunge into despair.

Either way, once that last bit of Hope has perished, Love will follow.

The brain has an interesting way of dealing with certain death. When death seems inevitable...the brain abandons the 'fight or flight" response triggered when death is only possibly imminent. There is no purpose to it anymore. And the brain is anything but inefficient. We get this sense of peace and acceptance. Maybe that's from years of people cannibalizing each other way back in the day in order to not flood our bodies with meat-toughening chemicals right before our expiration. I don't know. ~

Here's something else I don't know. Do I love Hope because it sustains Love? Or do I hate Hope for raising my expectations to levels that can never be met thereby leading me into an abyss of darknes and misery?